Clare's Story
/I came to see you at the beginning of December 2013. I was preparing for IVF using an egg donor. And you put me in touch with Fiona and I went on the Arrigo Programme. I’ve been meaning to write to you for ages. Regarding motherhood, one thing I wasn’t prepared for, was how behind I was going to get in all aspects of my life.
Well here I am. Better late than never. Only 5 and ¾ years after the birth of Billy. I still look at him and marvel at his being in the world. He is nothing short of a miracle. I was 45 when I came to see you. The consultant had given me a 0.1% chance of conceiving via IVF. Thankfully, I heard about you through my friend Jenny, who had conceived with your help. Seven weeks after my first appointment I was pregnant. And 3 days after my 46th birthday, Billy was born. September 23rd 2014. It really was the best day of my life. For me, there is no other moment that compares to the one in which I first held my son.
I remember you asking me if Tim and I were still trying to conceive. You asked it in such a way that made me believe that it was possible. Up until then, I didn’t really believe it was. I did the menstrual cleanse because my cycle was irregular. I didn’t ovulate the next period but I did the next month and I conceived. If I had not met you, we would not have Billy. I cannot possibly convey how much joy and meaning he has brought to our lives. And so much dancing. We love being parents. Thank you.
I’m now 51 and ¾ with a very energetic and enthusiastic 5 and ¾ year old boy. Sure, I’m often tired. OK – always tired. But he keeps me young. And being Billy’s mum is only the job I’ve had so far that feels so right and makes such sense. How Tim and I are with Billy will shape the type of person he becomes. And providing we don’t completely muck it up, Billy will be a force for good in the world. And this helps me to feel a little less powerless in a world that often feels like it’s careering uncontrollably towards crazy town
We moved out of Forest Hill in January 2016 and now live in a Kentish village off the A21, half way between Tunbridge Wells and Hastings. It’s a beautiful part of the world. Tim has recently completed his Masters in Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and is embarking on a counselling career. I’ve been doing a little bit of supply teaching to keep my options open (and the wolves from the door). It’s taken time but we’ve made some lovely friends and are very thankful for our life here.
I was really lucky too that for the first three years of Billy’s life I didn’t have to work and now average 10 days per half term and of course, I’m around for school holidays. I will never look back and have any regrets about not making the most of my time with Billy. Every snuggle and every kiss available, I took. I guess this comes with knowing that you’re only going to have one child.
We’ve never had any support close by so it has been tough at times but as a result we’re a tight unit. Thankfully, I was able to breast feed, which lead to Billy moving into our bed. And he’s not really left! He starts the night in his own bed and does a couple of hours there before planting himself in between Mummy and Daddy. There’s something very special when we’re all touching each other – it’s like an electrical circuit. Not literally of course. Like a flow of energy. A reminder of our connectedness. Sleeping together is the best feeling in the world. Obviously, if he’s still in our bed at age 15, then Tim and I have really mucked things up. But for now, we’re loving this simple pleasure.
Lock down with a 5 and ¾ year old boy is busy but it’s been busy in a stiller sort of way, if that makes sense, which has allowed me to reconnect with pre-Billy passions. I’ve started writing again and that feels good. To have a project and a goal. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have believed this possible. Four times a week, I walk for an hour on my own making friends with the countryside that I have largely ignored for the last 4 years. Life has mostly been about Billy and supporting Tim through the challenges of a Masters so it feels good to have some physical, mental and emotional space to connect with where I live. And reflect.
I love your emails. I find them very comforting. It is difficult to make sense of so much that is happening in the world but your emails remind me that there is a power at play that is bigger than Putin and Trump. It sounds that you’re on an amazing journey regarding the mystic work. I look forward to hearing more. I’m also very interested in the Sunday service sessions and will one day be brave enough to join. I know it’s silly – I feel a bit shy.
There’s nothing meaningful I can say on the subject of cancer to a woman as wise and as powerful as you, so I won’t insult you by trying. Just know that I will be holding you in my thoughts. And I thank you again for our gorgeous son. How lucky was I to cross paths with you.
